my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I stole a fireplace last night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
