I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
