is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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