I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
