I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
