he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
