Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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