I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
