the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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