I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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