I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
