someone threw a dead crab at me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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