hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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