my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
