Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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