I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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