It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry my hands just texted you
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Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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