nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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