you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
