this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
