She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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