I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
