Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
