I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
