Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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