I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
