Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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