you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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