You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
