I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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