dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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