It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
