i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
