gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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