Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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