"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
