I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
