I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
