I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
