I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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