she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
