haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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