is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
