I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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