Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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