anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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