ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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