I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
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I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
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I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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