i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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