Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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