i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
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He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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