he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
