Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
