just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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