I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I believe in your delicious
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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