At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
