What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
