So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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