Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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