I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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