Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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